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Sunday, March 29th, 2009
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4:26 pm - It was for the best...
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It was for the best. I couldn't do it anymore, espeically living amoung the dark arts and the like. All of you knew who I married, and for that, I think it is safe to say that I went against my inital judgement on what love really was. But he's gone. And took Rain with him. Not sure where he went, but this gave me the oppertunity to do what I should have done the minute he said that Bella needed to learn what it means to be on the dark side. What I should have done was file for divorce, and like a fool I didn't. Why I didn't I may never know, but I am not asking for acceptance back into the Order or anything like that. As far as I am concerned most people are afraid that I was married to someone who was dangerous. So the divorce was final today. And I moved back to my father's estate. I feel more at home than I did at my formal husband's estate. I don't care what happens to it, I just need to focus on what is best for me and my daughter. And the little one I am about to have. He or she will know nothing of the one who fathered him or her. And I am going to keep it that way. Until I find someone else. Whether or not that will happen, I am not worrying about it. Just focusing on me and my work. I am continuing my work at St. Mungos and completeing my Auror training. I am fortuneate enough that I am still young enough to get in and this time for good. We'll see how it goes. As far as the child is concerned I will find out what I am having in a a few weeks. While I do not mind what I have, I do have a feeling that this one is a girl. I have a few names narrowed down, and once I find out for sure, I'll choose much better than that. I am happy that Bella will have a younger sibling for the first time.
{Private to self and close friends}
Bella knows nothing of what is going on and I am planning on telling her what is going on when she comes home for Christmas. I am not sure whether or not she will be happy about this or upset, but if I know my daughter, I know she will be upset at first, but she knows I have to do this for myself. Moving from the Dark Side to the Good Side is a big change for her, and when we went through so much to get her where she is, I don't think it will matter much to her on which side I am on. But it could to her friends that she has at school and I don't dont want things happening to her. Of course, she will decide what she wants to do, but I am sure she will make the right decsion based on what is best for her. All I want is for her to be happy and I know she will. Once life is back to being just me and her, I am sure she will be fine. She's a great girl and I know she will do great things some day. And being a big sister to my child is a plus too. I know some people will not welcome me back with open arms, and I am fine with that, I just want to feel myself again and this is the first step. Hopefully Bella will understand, which she will. In time.
{End Private}
current mood:  relieved
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| Thursday, October 23rd, 2008
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12:40 pm - Waves of emotions...
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{Private to self, but close friends and family can break}
I know it has been a while since I last wrote, but lately I have been on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster, and most days I can't even stop what I am feeling, let alone actually calm down enough to say what I am really feeling. All I have to say that this pregnancy has me feeling more emotional than I ever did when I was carrying Bella. I was relatively more calmer and happier when I carried her. With this one, it's like every five minutes I am either happy, or I burst into tears at any given minute. I am sure I worry Cormac most times when this happens, but I am greatful that he is there to help out whenever he can. Lord knows that I need him more than ever now, and that is good enough for me. I am never one for being doted on and taken care of, because all my life I had to be the strong one and take care of other people. So for me to be taken care of is still kind of new, even when my marriage is new in itself. But despite the fact that I am an emotional wreck I am happy that I have someone in my life who is willing to take care of me without asking to. carrying his child is something that I find more thrilling than anything. It gives Bella a chance to finally be what she always dreamed of being: An older sister. I am sure she is happy about that, and I have a feeling what Cormac already knows. This child will most likely be a son. And that makes me happier than anything else. I just wish I could stop crying every five minutes... That would be lovely at the present moment. Damn the emotions. At least the morning sickness is not so bad the second time around...
{End Private}
{Private to Bella and Rain}
How is everything going with you two? I hope school and everything else is going well. Let me know if you need anything. The house seems lonely without the both of you, even if I have your father here with me.
{End Private}>
{Private to Cormac}
Have I told you lately that I love you?
{End Private}
current mood:  discontent
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| Thursday, July 31st, 2008
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10:42 am - Happiness surrounds me..
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I don't think this happy feeling I am feeling will ever go away. And I don't want it to. I'd trade anything in the world just to feel this happy. I always thought that marriage wouldn't suit me well, but it turns out that I do a very good job so far. I mean I wasn't excpecting to fall in love, but here I am so much in love I could shout it to the world if I really could. Actually I could do it anywhere really. Though part of me still wishes I was on the honeymoon. Hawaii was absolutely beautiful and everything I could have asked for. Cormac has given me everything I could have ever asked for. I have a wonderful marriage, three beautiful children and a love that I hope will never die. Though the rumors swirling around my children are not what I want to hear, but I am not paying them any mind for I know who is right and wrong.
I do hope Rain and Bella are doing okay, and are attending to their studies. You two continue your classwork and Rain, congratulations on making the Quidditch team. I am very proud of you. Keep watch over Bella and make sure she is doing what she needs to. Anything you need? Cormac I have some news to tell you. Now it is time for me to see what needs to be done at St.Mungos. hopefully no one is slacking off otherwise they will have me to answer to. But what can i say? I love my job perhaps a little too much. I did run into Meghan at Ludwina's and we had a wonderful lunch and caught up. We'll have to do that again soon! I love when things like that happen. I guess that is all for me. I shall write more soon.
~*~Raven~*~
current mood:  loved
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| Sunday, July 6th, 2008
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11:53 am - I have finally found happiness
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{Private to self, but Cormac can break}
I never thought that I would love being married as much as I do. I think the wedding itself brought me closer to my mother, even if she is a Death Eater and abused me when I was young. She and I hardly talked over the years, but once she found out I was getting married, she wanted to be part of it. She was already part of Bella's life so I couldn't really turn her away when I really wanted to. There is still some unresolved conflict between us, but I was happy that she was at my wedding. The dress she and Isis made me was lovely. More lovely than I imagined in my head. I am not sure what is going to happen between my mother and I, but I hope we come to a point where we can be super close. If that happens, then I will be happy.
But being married is wonderful. I have someone to spend the rest of my life with and someone who truly loves me for me, not just wanting me because of my looks or what have you. I love him more now than I did when we first met all those years ago. He did give me a beautiful daughter, and I adore Sol and Rain as if they were my very own. We should have gotten married earlier, but things happen later that make you realize that. I am happy that we will try for more children. Then Bella will take her hand at being the older sibling for the first time. I am sure she will love it, as well as Sol and Rain.. Hopefully. But we'll see.
{End Private}
{Private to Rain and Bella}
How is school going for the both of you? I hope you are studying hard and staying out of trouble. If you need anything, I am just an owl away. I miss you both.
{End Private}
I never thought I could be this happy in my entire life. It's nice to feel happy for once, rather than being unhappy. I hope it lasts.
~*~Rae~*~
current mood: loved
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| Sunday, April 13th, 2008
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12:44 pm - Amoung the Drama, there is love...
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{Private to self}
I knew I should have punished Bella for sneaking out to the party where she met Cedric, as well as sneaking out to see him. I can see why she would do that, since things have been stressful around here and she needed to get out of the house for a little bit at least. The only problem with that is the fact she has strong feelings for him, and he is on the wrong side, not on the same side as her father or myself. I may be in the middle, but I support the Death Eaters, and I know I will end up with the mark before long. I know I have said that I never wanted that for myself as well as my daughter. Only because when I was Bella's age I was around my mother and she hurt me more back then than I knew. But now that I know Bella is in the middle and wanting to be with someone of a different side, I think it is time she learned to be on that side. She has said she wants to learn, which I think is good for her, but if she stays with Cedric because of it, is her own decsion. Cormac was not too happy knowing this, and got pretty upset about it. I do not blame him since he wants a daughter to be proud of and can show the world to. I have no doubt in my mind that he will before long. Once she learns the ways of being in the circle, he can show the world what a beautiful and smart daughter he has. What she does once she goes back to Hogwarts is her own decsion. But I know that Rain will lookl after her. He and Bella seem to be really close as siblings should be and I could not be happier about that. I am really glad to have him as well as Soledad as children.
{End Private}
Nothing too much seems to be going on around here. Just work at St. Mungos and then the many wedding plans I am trying to get all set. But the good thing is that most of the planning is done, just the minor set back of picking a date and all that good stuff. I took Bella out the other day and found her the perfect dress for the wedding seeing as she is going to be my maid of honor. It's dark red, and matches her perfectly. I made my dress so I didn't have to worry about going out and finding one. I love doing this, but I think I can see why you only get married once. There is too much minor details to work out I wouldn't trade this for the world. Once I do get married, I can offically say I am the happiest woman alive. So far, being part of this family is crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
{Private to Cormac}
How are things holding up with you? I got a little worried since you seem a little distant, like you have far too much on your mind. I just thought I would see if I could help if I could.
{End Private}
I guess that is all for me. I will write more later.
~*~Raven~*~
current mood: calm
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| Sunday, February 17th, 2008
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11:52 am - A well overdue entry
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After months of trying to locate my journal with no success, I finally decided to get a new one and to my complete dismay, I found the old one in one of the trunks I keep in my room filled with Bella's old clothes, which I been meaning to sort through and see if I can give them to anyone who needs them. But my old journal is no use to me now since I have this new one and the good thing is that I dont want it back. So I wiped away everything I wrote in it and I am now using it for my job as a healer at St. Mungos. It's always best to have things written down just in case something should go wrong. Better be prepared for the worst if it should ever happen. But I am always like that so I guess it comes second nature to me.
Summer is almost over with and to me it feels like it has just started. Soon Bella will be off to Hogwarts and then it will be just me in the house. I dont mind the silence so much as not having Bella around. She makes our home more lively with her stories and the many things she does to make things more fun and entertaining. She definietly doesnt gether outgoing personality from me. I'll gladly hand that gene over to her father who is more outgoing than I am, but I am glad she is more outgoing and everything. Makes it easier for her to make friends and she has since she has been in Hogwarts, though I did find out how she snuck out to go to a party. How I found out she will never know, but a mother always finds out these things. I am a little dissapointed in her for doing it, but I do understand why she did it and she knows how I feel about it, considering I talked to her and it was not the best of conversations. I know realize she is not my little girl anymore since she has told me she has feelings for someone.
When your only child tells you that, you can't help but feel a little sad about that cause you look back on their entire life so far and realize that soon they will be on their own and living out the big bad world and facing everything on their own and you wont be there to guide them through it. I don't want to think about that for Bella since she has 2 years before she will be out on her own, but I can't help but wonder how Bella will be in the world and if she will be happy. No doubt she will since she has a good head on her shoulders, but I always wonder what the future holds for her. She may be growing up, but I am not sure if I am ready to let go of my little girl yet..
I guess that is all for me. It's off to work for a bit. I will write more soon.
~*~Raven~*~
current mood:  awake
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